Oh poor, neglected blog of mine . . .

I didn’t realize it had been this long until I just read the date on my last post. I’m tired of saying that life’s been crazy. Of course, it’s crazy. I think it’s supposed to be.

I have thoughts and ideas and updates brewing and I’ll get them on the screen in front of me when they’re ready to leak from my head to my fingers to the keys.

In the meantime, I wrote this tonight . . . I’m not quite sure if it’s finished or not, but I wanted to throw it out there.

 

right there in black & white and still not real . . . intangible, distant, foreign . . .
whispered sounds have power to penetrate and still, they are far from my reach.
the lights go down, eyes are closed . . . and those thoughts . . .
those thoughts bring comfort.
reality brings fear.

insecurities plague me – how could I ever be good enough?
don’t recognize that face in the mirror and yet . . .
she is all too familiar – never quite enough, never perfect . . .
always broken, always damaged . . .
never loved.

crowded with faces and names and words
and I swim inside my own head . . . always alone.
screaming words they’ll never hear
crying tears they’ll never see
letting loose a rage they’ll never understand . . . 

Tag! You’re it! The Meme

Thank you, Paula! This was fun

Rules:

1. You must post these rules.
2. Each person must post 11 things about themselves on their blog.
3. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post, and create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer.
4. You have to choose 11 people to tag and link them on the post.
5. Go to their page and tell them you have linked him or her.
6. No tag backs.
7. No stuff in the tagging section about ‘you are tagged if you are reading this.’ You legitimately have to tag 11 people.

Melissa, Caroline, Lisa, Joianne, Anne, Ginny, Malia, Tammy, Anita, Valerie, Giovanna

(And screw rule 7 – if anyone else wants to do this, please go for it! I want to read your answers! . . . Even those I’ve tagged, please let me know if you do this cause I want to check it out. I still haven’t figured out how to get email notifications for some of your blogs!)

11 things about me:

1. Instead of the crazy cat lady, I’m going to end up as the crazy ferret lady. I have 4 right now (and had one cross the Rainbow Bridge last summer) and I adore them. If I had more space, I could easily see myself doubling that number!
2. I hate having my picture taken for any reason, but I will allow my picture to be taken (especially with my daughter) because to this day, I’m angry with my mom for not taking more pictures with  me.
3. I started writing letters to Abby before she was born. I used to write almost daily and then after she was born it was weekly. It’s now been about 3 years since I’ve written one. I feel incredibly guilty, but whenever I sit down to write, I just don’t know where to begin.
4. I do want another baby some day, as much as I protest that fact. Sadly, I just don’t think it’s meant to be and it’s easier to pretend I don’t want one than to admit that.
5. I’ve always really wanted to be one of those girls who wear make-up every day, but I’m just totally unmotivated to do it. The same goes for doing anything more with my hair than brushing it and putting it in a bun.
6. I have major weakness for peanut butter Twix.
7. I refuse to give up comfort for style. Ever.
8. I’ve never been out of the country.
9. When it first came out, I saw “Good Will Hunting” in the theater 6 times. The movie also spurred my obsession with Elliot Smith.
10. In college, a couple friends and I traveled to Red Bank, NJ (a few times) to go to Jay & Silent Bob’s Secret Stash . . . And then we went to Leonardo to go to the Quick Stop.
11. In college, I saw the Goo Goo Dolls in concert at least 4 times. I was a tad obsessed.

Questions from Paula:

1. What TV show/movie do you enjoy even though you’re kind of embarrassed about it? Pretty much anything on the Disney Channel, American Idol, Degrassi . . . I could probably continue for a while. Some days, I just need the mindless entertainment!

2. Who is your favorite super hero? And why? Rogue from the X-Men because I’ve always been drawn to tortured characters and I think her power comes with the biggest price. I can’t imagine going through life never having any physical touch.

3. Who is your favorite literary character? And why? Hmm, tough one. I narrowed it down to three . . . in no particular order:

• Acheron from the Dark-Hunter series by Sherrilyn Kenyon because he’s loyal to a fault, very stoic, and just overall a fascinating character . . . plus, he’s tall, dark and goth which equals very sexy in my mind’s eye!
• Parry/the incarnation of Satan from For the Love of Evil, book 6 of the Incarnations of Immortality series by Piers Anthony because he puts a very interesting and unique twist on the whole Heaven/Hell, God/Satan story.
• Dolores Price from She’s Come Undone by Wally Lamb because she’s a ridiculously honest character with a ton of mental issues – how can I not love her?!

4.  What is your favorite opening line of a book? “When I look back at my childhood I wonder how I survived it at all. It was, of course, a miserable childhood: the happy childhood is hardly worth your while. Worse than the ordinary miserable childhood is the miserable Irish childhood, and worse yet is the miserable Irish Catholic childhood.” ~Angela’s Ashes by Frank McCourt

5. What is your very first memory from childhood? My parents fighting and me trying to stop them

6. If you were a Golden Girl, which one would you be and why? Definitely Sophia! I’m all about the spunky attitude and the wise cracks

7. What’s your favorite ice cream? Anything chocolate and peanut butter, of course

8. How did you get into blogging? I started blogging when I started looking for freelance writing work. Since I was just starting out, I thought it would be helpful if I had some things pre-written that I could use as samples. It’s obviously become something much different for me!

9. What is the best part about having a blog? The community. I think it’s incredible that I have build friendships solely through blogging. I’ve connected with people. And I can’t even begin to describe how amazing it is when someone comments or messages me to tell me that something I’ve shared has helped them in some way.

10. What is the worst part of blogging? I don’t know if there is a “worst part” for me. I love blogging. It becomes very difficult at times (especially the past few months) to keep up with the bloggers I follow and responding to comments, but I wouldn’t say that’s bad (obviously, I want to continue following those bloggers . . . and I want to continue to receive comments!), just something I have to manage better.

11. Tell me about “the one that got away?” There was this one guy in college that I had a hard-core crush on. He worked at a video store and I worked in a deli and we’d see each other at our respective jobs pretty frequently. Looking back, he was definitely flirty with me, but my self-esteem was so low that I just couldn’t believe that. I do wish I had had the confidence to ask him out.

My questions:

1. What is the best concert you’ve ever been to?
2. What political/social cause are you most passionate about?
3. What pets do you have?
4. If you had to leave the US and live in another country for a year, where would you go? Why?
5. Do you judge the events in your life by whether they are Facebook status/Twitter update worthy?
6. Could you truly live “the simple life”?
7. Pro-Twilight, anti-Twilight, or you don’t give a shit?
8. Do you consider yourself cynical? Why or why not?
9. Which character from Gilligan’s Island would you be and why? (I’m not ashamed to admit that I totally stole this question type from Paula’s Golden Girl question.)
10. What is your favorite song lyric? Why?
11. What’s your favorite pizza topping?

My new pretty pink cane

I’ve been talking about it for months. When I walk for long distances, sometimes my back pain is so intense I *need* to lean on something. Sometimes it hurts to even take a few steps because of the arthritis in my knees. So, I’ve been considering getting a cane. I knew it would help, but pride got the best of me . . . at least it did until this past Sunday.

We had a great day on Sunday. We celebrated the Lunar New Year at the Philadelphia Museum of Art. They had dancers and activities and there were other families from Abby’s school. Afterwards, we went out to lunch at the Hard Rock Café. And then we walked around the Gallery. I was having a great time . . . but I was in pain.

On our way to the train, we stopped in Rite Aid (to check out the clearance section, of course) and Kes asked me if I wanted to get a cane. And I stared them. And I said, “but, we’re going to the gym and I *know* once I lose 30 pounds or so the pain will be soooo much less!”

And Kes, “uh, yeah, and what about between now and then?”

How dare he be all logical and stuff!

So, I broke down and I bought the cane. I’ve only been out walking with it twice, but it’s definitely made a difference.

So yeah, that’s my big news of the week. It was slightly traumatic, but I’m getting over it!

I was *not* thrilled with my weigh-in this week, but I’m going with the “gained muscle” theory (there was a 3 lb. gain). However, on a positive note – I weighed myself on my house scale and I’m somewhere between 310 and 315 on that . . . which means, I didn’t gain a bunch of weight before going to the gym. The scales are just drastically different.

I have always been a scale junkie. I know this. I know it’s not really productive, but I can’t help it. I *need* to see numbers on the scale go down and when I don’t, I get discouraged and get into the whole “screw it” attitude. I think, “maybe I’m just destined to be fat forever and if that’s the case, I might as well enjoy a cheesesteak!” So the weigh-in has been really tough to move past, but I’m working on it.

I’m temporarily on a virtually carb-free diet. I know this is not something I can do long-term which makes it go against my whole not-a-diet thing, but it’s a good way to get numbers to go down quickly and at least to get me started, I need that. I do not intend to keep this up forever and will slowly reintroduce carbs once I feel I’m steadily moving in the right direction. And then I’ll work on the long-term diet.

So that’s my update, in a nutshell. Here’s hoping for happier numbers!

Living with Sleep Apnea

When I was 13, my mom took me to my first Alateen meeting. For those who don’t know, Alateen is a 12 step program, similar to AA, for children and teens affected by someone else’s drinking. I didn’t live with my alcoholic and so how I was affected was different from some others. But it didn’t matter because at the core of it, we were all going through the same thing and it bonded us.

In Alateen, I learned that I was powerless over my father’s alcoholism . . . and I learned how to make changes within myself instead. Lately, I find myself needing to relearn those lessons because for the first time in my life, it’s actually starting to feel like I live with an alcoholic.

No, my boyfriend doesn’t drink. My boyfriend has severe sleep apnea. But quite often, the results are the same.

A typical day involves him falling asleep while we talk at least a half a dozen times, me walking in on him asleep at the computer at least twice, him forgetting full conversations we had just a week earlier, and me not being able to sleep through his earthquake-like snoring.

Yesterday, at a performance at my daughter’s school, he nodded off and snored so loud everyone in the row in front of us turned around. It was embarrassing.

He loses track of days and has virtually no concept of time. He can’t remember if something happened yesterday or three days ago.

I *know* it’s not easy for him. I *know* he did not choose to have sleep apnea. But that doesn’t change the fact that it still affects me.

I want to help him. I want him to get better. But I can’t help him until he’s ready to help himself, and right now, he’s just not. I understand that the CPAP is uncomfortable . . . but when it comes to deciding on discomfort or death, I’m pretty certain I’d choose discomfort.

And my sister-in-law gave him a new mask on Christmas . . . one that is supposed to be more comfortable . . . But he hasn’t even tried it yet.

I am terrified, completely out-of-my-mind terrified that I’m going to wake up one morning to find him dead.  It’s a legitimate fear. He stops breathing when he sleeps. A lot. I read a couple of months ago that men over 40 with sleep apnea are 75% more likely to die . . . of any cause.

He essentially sleeps for 12 hours a day, but the lack of quality causes him to be practically narcoleptic. It also causes depression, which adds another whole set of issues.

Most days, I act as if it doesn’t bother me. I either completely ignore the giant elephant in my living room . . . or I dress it up in silly hats and make jokes about it.

And then one day, maybe once a week or once a month, I snap. I realize I’m talking to myself because he fell asleep and I yell. I want to punch a wall because I’m tired, but I can’t sleep when he snores (and I’m not talking about a little light snoring . . . I’m talking, you can hear him through every closed door in the house . . . I’m talking, he shakes so hard I feel like I’m on one of those vibrating beds from a cheap motel). I get frustrated because once again, he neglects to fulfill a promise because he forgot that we even talked about it.

And all the yelling in the world doesn’t make a damn bit of difference. Sympathizing doesn’t make a damn bit of difference. Offering to help doesn’t make a damn bit of difference.

I’ve forgotten how to accept that I’m powerless. It was somehow easier when there was a bottle to blame.

***I don’t typically write about other people because I don’t think it’s my place to broadcast their issues to the world. My boyfriend knows about this post, read it before I published it, and is okay with me sharing all of this.***

Some really overdue blog awards and some new ones!

***Totally off topic, but it has to be said – Today, I am one year cigarette free!***

Many, MANY months ago, Sharon passed along The Versatile Blogger, The Irresistibly Sweet Blog Award, and the Stylish Blogger Award to me. I promised I would pass them along eventually. Well, it’s eventually!

 

 

 

 

 

In November, Samantha gave me the Sunshine Blogger Award . . . and yep, it’s eventually again! There are two rules for this award – pass it along to 10 inspirational bloggers and let them know . . . and answer nine questions (which are listed at the bottom).

In December, Caroline nominated for the Leibster Blog. Leibster is a German words that means beloved or love, so it is a blog that you love. The rules for this award are to thank your presenter and link back, pass it on to 5 people, let them know by commenting on their blogs, and post the award to your blog.

Just a couple of weeks ago, Alexandra gave me the Kreativ Blogger Award. So, I’m not sooooo far behind on this one! The rules for this one are to share 10 things that no one (in the blogging community) knows about me and to pass it along to 6 other people.

Today, I received an email from Giovanna passing along The Versatile Blogger and asking me to answer a set of 10 questions.

So, I’m totally cheating here. I’m passing ALL of these awards on to the 10 bloggers listed below (I worked out eliminations based on those who gave them to me, people I have already awarded one of these to and by those who were awarded along with me . . . very diplomatic, I know . . . Except for Blue Jellybeans – Giovanna snuck in there because I had this entire post ready to publish when she gave me the award today ). You can choose to pass on all or none of these (or somewhere in between) . . . though it would be cool if you passed along at least one

Many, many thanks to Sharon, Samantha, Caroline, Alexandra and Giovanna!!!! Check out their blogs – they’re all awesome!!!

Beyond Will Power – I found Alicia’s blog while doing a search for something completely unrelated. I don’t even remember what the search was! But what I found was a wonderfully inspiring woman!

Blue Jellybeans – I started following this blog during the Community Network Meme. Giovanna posts some very yummy recipes . . . in English and in Spanish!

Camylleon’s Cave – I’m always fascinating my Melissa’s posts. Whether she’s writing about her ancestors, her craft or her writing, she always has something meaningful to share.

David is Fat – David has been posting about his progress in weight loss for about the past 10 months. His dedication and success have been incredibly inspiring!

Love, Lies and Poopy Diapers – Ok, so Malia’s only posted to this blog a few times. I already yelled at her. But she just started back up again the other day! (And I’ve known her since high school, so I know her writing rocks!)

Morning Erection – I start following Tom *because* of the Community Network Meme (he did start it, after all). His posts are quite varied and that’s what I love about them!

One Day – I met Ginny over at GoodBlogs. I adore her writing . . . and I adore her! This blog is new and I haven’t had a change to check it out much, but I am positive that it’s awesome!

The Geeky Shopaholic – LOVE Paula’s blog . . . another one that’s a little bit of this and a little bit of that. We come from completely different worlds and yet have many things in common. I love how that happens!

The Passionate Eclectic – Whether she writes about shelving, thrift stores, or her new “blog-do”, Lisa always keeps me reading every single word. I just love her “voice” and style!

The Vanishing Mom – Joianne went through weight loss surgery over the summer and has been incredibly open about her experiences. She has been a definite inspiration to me!

Sunshine Blogger questions:

1. Favorite color? Pink or purple or black, depending on my mood . . . though all three together would be best
2.  Favorite animal? Domestic or wild? Seriously, I can’t really choose. I’m an animal person. I love animals. Dolphins maybe. Dolphins are pretty kick ass. So long and thanks for all the fish!
3. Favorite number? 118 . . . 1/18 is my mom’s (and my Aunt Dale’s) birthday; 11/8 is my daughter’s birthday . . . pretty cool, huh?
4. Favorite drink? Non-alcoholic or alcoholic? Mountain Dew if I’m being bad, my own homemade iced tea, caffeine-free, sweetened with Splenda if I’m being good . . . alcoholic would be Long Island Iced Teas – yum!
5. Facebook or Twitter? Facebook, definitely Facebook . . . Though I really wish I spent more time on Google+ (and that more people had accounts there)
6. Your passion? Friends and family, writing, liberal politics, human rights, arguing, many, many things sci-fi/fantasy, common courtesy, enjoying simple things . . . hey, I’m a passionate person!
7. Giving or getting presents? Giving, definitely giving . . . I mean, I like getting presents too. Who doesn’t? But I get an insane thrill from seeing someone’s face light up because I’ve given them something meaningful!
8. Favorite day? Saturday
9. Favorite flowers? Tiger lilies

10 Things from the Kreativ Blogger:

1. I’m very old-fashioned when it comes to paperwork. I still need paper copies of everything. I’m also neurotic and will make notes for invoices on a post-it, then transfer that to an index card and then at the end of an invoice period, transfer it all to the typed invoice.
2. I have an unnatural obsession with Gibbs from NCIS . . . and with Zac Efron.
3. When I was 3, my dad had me pick out a lobster from the supermarket and he told me it was a pet. I named him Larry and we put him in the bathtub. When I saw that he was gone the next morning, my dad told me he went down the drain. I didn’t learn the truth until I was 7. . . . I still have issues eating lobster!
4. I saved the stub of my daughter umbilical cord.
5. I didn’t see my parents’ wedding pictures until I was 17. When they divorced, my mom destroyed them all. After she passed, I found the negatives and had them developed.
6. I had an imaginary friend when I was little. Her (yes her) name was Timmy and she lived in my mouth. When she came out, she would get big.
7. For a few months when I was 8, my mom and I shared a bedroom at my grandmom’s house. When she thought I was sleeping, she’d watch horror movies . . . but I’d always stay up to watch them.
8. I may be from Philly, but I think scrapple is the most disgusting food on the planet.
9. I was vegetarian for 2 years in college, and I’ve considered going vegetarian again . . . but I could never go vegan because I love cheese too much.
10. If my daughter had not been accepted into the school she attends right now, I would have homeschooled.

10 Questions from The Versatile Blogger:

1. Describe yourself in seven words. Silly, sarcastic, facetious, easily amused, loves life
2. What keeps you up at night? Basic anxiety over the day . . . what needs to get done, what I didn’t get done, how much I wish there more hours in a day!
3.  Who would you like to be? Someone whose name is on the cover of a book – a real one, with pages and binding
4. What are you wearing right now? A thermal shirt and sweatpants . . . my typical sleep/work attire
5. What scares you? Losing a loved one or not living to see my daughter grow up
6. The best and worst part of blogging. I love everything about blogging, but mostly the community . . . getting to know new people and finding out just how similar we can be even though on the surface we may be nothing alike.
7. The last website you visited. Facebook – big shocker there!
8. What is the one thing you would change about yourself? I really want to be less shallow with this, but it would definitely be my weight.
9. Slankets yes or no? I have no idea what a Slanket is! Okay, I just looked it up . . . it looks a hell of a lot better than a Snuggie, so yes, I guess?
10. Tell us something about the person who tagged you. She posts some incredible recipes on her blog, she would like to live in Narnia, and I’m hoping to get to know her better

Who decides if your child lives?

Imagine you’re a parent of a sick little girl. Her kidneys are failing her and you’re told that she’ll live for 6 months to a year without a transplant. But that’s what you’re here for, that’s why you’re at the hospital. You’re here to talk about your daughter’s transplant. You and your spouse intend to donate, if eligible. If not, you have an extensive family that wants to help out. You’ve researched and planned and you’re ready to move forward.

Until the doctor tells you that your daughter is not eligible for a transplant, solely because she is mentally retarded.

Disgusting, right? Unbelievable? That’s what I thought when my cousin sent me a link to this story last night. And it happened in my hometown . . . at a hospital I’ve been singing the praises of for years.

On January 10^th, just one week ago, Chrissy Rivera, Amelia’s mother, was told that her daughter would not be able to get a kidney transplant at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia (CHOP) because she has brain damage and is cognitively impaired.

I take the most issue with Amelia’s doctor . . . someone whose duty it is to advocate for her best interests. Read her story, complete with his callous responses. He signed a death sentence for Amelia and sees nothing wrong with it. He disgusts me.

I also take issue with the medical profession in general. The fact that this is allowed . . . in 2012 . . . is absolutely fucking ridiculous! According to Ms. Rivera, this is not an isolated incident and it happens “across the map”.

If you want to help, please sign the petition at Change.org urging CHOP to allow Amelia’s transplant surgery. Share Amelia’s story . . . on Facebook, Twitter, your own blog, wherever! Share the petition. Help make a difference!

Cognitive functioning should *not* be a criteria for the right to live!

What do you want to be when you grow up?

When I was 3 years old, my preschool teacher asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I said, “I want to be a mommy so I can brush my daughter’s hair.” When I was 4 years old, my preschool teacher asked me the same question. This time I told her, “I want to be a mom-mom so I can buy soap – pink soap with a little girl on it.” (My mom-mom had just given me a pink roll-on soap with a little girl on the front.)

By the time I was 7 years old, I wanted to be a famous singer when I grew up. That dream was crushed by the silly little fact that I can’t carry a tune in a bucket.

At 8 years old, after writing my first love poem, I decided I wanted to be a poet when I grew up.

When I was 14 years old, I started listening to the skeptics in my life who said that I would never be able to make it as a writer. They said I should be a lawyer because I loved to argue. So, I decided I wanted to be a lawyer. Until I job shadowed a lawyer friend of my mom’s for a day – I most certainly did *not* want to be lawyer anymore.

At 16, I was accepted as a Creative Writing major at the Philadelphia High School for Creative and Performing Arts. I was back on track with becoming a writer.

And yet I graduated from college with degrees in Elementary Education, Special Education and Psychology.

Since college, I have taught resource room, waitressed, taught preschool, been a stay at home mom, started a jewelry business, been a retail shift supervisor, and am now a freelance writer and editor.

My life has taken many twists and turns over the years and it is only just now, at 32 years old, that I am beginning to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. And that’s okay.

From the moment children learn to talk, we start asking them what they want to be when they grow up. And somewhere in between their toddlerhood and teens years, we expect serious answers.

We tell teens that they don’t know anything about the real world because they’ve never had to live in it and yet we send them off to college at 18 expecting them to figure out what they want to do for the rest of their lives . . . and they only have 4 years in which to do it.

How does that make sense?

I know there are some people who know what they want from early on and never waver from it. My cousin is one of them. Since he was still in single digits he knew he was going to be a carpenter, and now in his mid-twenties, that’s exactly what he is doing.

I knew what I wanted from very earlier on, but I allowed myself to be swayed.

And then there are those who just have no effing clue what they want to be when they grow up . . . and that’s okay.

I often wonder how my life would be different if I put off going to college. I wonder if I would actually have a degree that I use. I wonder what kind of experiences I would have to write about if instead I had traveled through Europe or joined the Peace Corps or just actually allowed myself to be young and have fun.

So, here’s my advice to young people – take your time. Don’t make decisions about the rest of your life because you think that’s what you’re supposed to do. Screw what you’re supposed to do. Live. Enjoy life. Make mistakes. Take a road trip. Fall in love. Be young. Have fun. There’s plenty of time to figure out the rest.

Today is another new day!

Third time’s a charm, right?

I’m starting brand new today. I’m not exactly thrilled with the updated ticker, but that’s okay.

I’m not sure if I should attribute the huge gain to holiday indulgences, way too many alcoholic beverages this past weekend or the fact that I weighed in at the gym, so there was no contending with uneven floors. I’m going with a combination of all three.

But that brings me to my big news for the week. I finally joined the gym! Kes and I signed up yesterday, but went for our first workouts this morning. We had a session with the personal trainer who got us started on a pretty basic routine. I felt really good after leaving. I had some back pain on the treadmill, but being able to hold on to the rails helped alleviate some of it.

We also signed up for their “Biggest Loser” contest. I’ll weigh in every two weeks, which is a great way of helping to keep me accountable. I’d like to win, but that’s not the main purpose. Though first prize is $500 – so how’s that for some motivation?! Second prize is a free membership for a year and third prize is a free month with the personal trainer.

As I mentioned already, I am not thrilled with the weigh-in, but it’s okay because I’m already looking forward to next week’s! I’ve changed my short-term goal. Since my last weigh-in was 315, it’s my new short-term goal to get there.

I’ve eaten really well today – Slim Fast for breakfast, a Lean Cuisine for lunch, salad with tuna for dinner and a few healthy snacks in between.

2011 was my year to quit smoking and come January 19^th, I’ll have gone a full year completely cig-free. 2012 is my year for weight loss. This *will* happen because I will make it happen!

I’m sorry I’m fat

I’ve been very cognizant lately of just how often I apologize for being fat, if not directly, at least passively.

Last May, I shared a post titled, “I am not my fat.” In that post I described what goes through my mind on a daily basis regarding my fat. I wrote about how my fat does not define who I am even though it is my greatest insecurity. It was an extremely difficult post for me to write and even more difficult for me to share. I actually took a nap after I published it because I was *that* emotionally drained.

I have many days when I believe everything I wrote in that post. I have days when I feel good about myself. I have days when I think, “I’m a good mom, a good friend, a good girlfriend and a good writer. I work hard and have made huge steps in accomplishing my dreams. I’m proud of myself.”

And then I have days when I think that none of that matters because I’m still fat. And I have to let people know that I know I’m fat. I have to make cracks about being fat because it’s better that I say them out loud before someone else has a chance to. I *need* to let people know that I am trying to lose weight before they start telling me that I should try to lose weight. (Perhaps, subconsciously, that’s part of my motivation for these blog updates.)

It’s usually subtle. I’ll make references to having to “squeeze my fat ass” into or through some kind of space. Or with the recent Community Network Meme when it asked about my favorite pair of underwear, I had to quip about how nobody wants a visual of my underwear. You know, cause I’m fat and that would be gross.

Fat jokes run rampant everywhere. Watch a few minutes of TV or read through a few Facebook statuses or some online cartoons or just listen to people talk about “that fat ass”. It’s okay. It’s acceptable. Who cares, right? They’re just fat people.

I’m sorry to say that being fat does not mean having a thick skin.

Sometimes I feel like I should wear a sign everywhere I go. It would read, “Yes, I know I am fat. Yes, I know I need to lose weight. I’m sorry if it grosses you out to look at me. But I am a person and I have feelings.”

I’m sure there’s a connection to my social anxiety here. I’m sure if I weren’t fat, I’d find something else to obsess about . . . something else to make me constantly wonder what other people are thinking about me.

This is a “me” issue. I’m well aware of that. I’m not quite sure how to “fix” it, but I am trying.

***There is only so much I can talk about what I’ve eaten and how much I’ve exercised over the course of a week without it becoming redundant and boring. But I have committed to sharing something about this journey every week. Some weeks it might be an update about my progress. Some weeks, like this week, it will be an expression of how I feel about weight and weight loss – the good, the bad and the ugly.***

What I understand about religion . . . and what I don’t . . .

***Disclaimer – If you are offended by this post, I apologize. It’s not my intention. But it is how I feel. I have a deep respect for all belief systems. What I am questioning here are those extremist views that do not allow people to open their minds to the beliefs of others. This is not an attack on religion itself, just a rambling on what I don’t understand about many religions.***

Religion, spirituality, faith and belief are all things I think about often. It’s taken me many years to come to a place of understanding within myself, to be comfortable with my own belief system. And I am quite certain that where I am today, is not where I will be years from now.

In my quest for spiritual fulfillment, I have come to understand many things about religion . . . And I have come to accept that there are many things that I will never understand. I have always been over analytical. I have always searched for what was the most logical – though I admit, my logic does not always mesh with that of the masses.

It did not take long for me to discover many devout people of many different faiths, and through those people I discovered a paradox of sorts. I can take 10 devout people of 10 different religions and each one will tell you that he or she *knows* his or her religion is the one and only true path. It’s not a belief. It’s knowledge. But if one of them is right, the other nine must be wrong.

So, is there one true religion? Is there one faith that is the only way to salvation?

That concept just does not make sense to me.

I cannot believe that good people will suffer for all eternity because they believe in something different. And honestly, it kind of bothers me that I have good friends and family members who believe I’m going to hell.

I’m curious as to what makes modern religion any different from the polytheistic religions we now call mythology. One day, thousands of years from now, will these “modern” religions be mythologies as well?

I find it interesting that many believe the first human evil was eating fruit from the tree of knowledge. That idea alone speaks volumes to me about the nature of religion.

We didn’t really go to church when I was a kid, but it was pretty much known that we were Christian. I was never taught to believe a certain thing, but allowed to develop my beliefs on my own. I value that.

I decided very early on that church didn’t make sense to me . . . well, that the whole “you *have* to go to church” thing didn’t make sense to me. My philosophy since childhood was if God created the world and man made a building, how could a building be God’s home? Wouldn’t it be easier to connect with God in nature?

That later developed into – you said God is everywhere, so why do I have to worship him inside of a church? Can’t I do that, you know, anywhere?

Maybe it’s my own naivety, but I find all of the fighting over religious differences stupid.

I don’t think religious belief is a choice. People believe what they believe based upon their own experiences. If my experiences lead me to beliefs that do not match someone else’s, why does that mean one of us has to be wrong?

I can’t understand how a “loving” God would damn at least 2/3 of the world’s population. (Considering that Christianity is the world’s largest religion with 33% of the world’s population being Christian . . . If Christianity were the one true path – not taking into account that many Christian denominations believe that all other Christian denominations are wrong – then 66% of the population would be damned.)

God loves you . . . do what He says or go to Hell. God loves you unconditionally . . . but He’s okay with you burning for all eternity. God is wonderful . . . but it doesn’t matter that you spent your life rescuing stray kittens and volunteering at the senior citizen’s home, if you don’t believe such and such, your soul is damned.

It just doesn’t make sense to me.

Here’s what does make sense to me . . . Many people around the world believe many different things and all at varying levels. And none of them need to be wrong. If a higher power exists, I think he or she or it would want to see good people doing good things, regardless of specific beliefs.

“When I do good, I feel good. When I do bad, I feel bad. That is my religion.” ~Abraham Lincoln