I said yes and it sucks

I mentioned in a blog a couple of weeks ago about my resistance to telling my ex-husband that he could have our daughter every other week in the summer time. The cliff notes version is that while I knew I would say yes, I wasn’t ready to say it just yet. I know that the extra time with her dad will be good for her, that it will make her happier. I also know that living without her every other week is going to make me miserable. I wanted to hold on to my denial as long as possible.

The end of school is a month away, and I can’t hold onto to that denial forever. So tonight, I said, “yes.”

It sucks.

I’m trying to focus on all of the work I can get done during the weeks she’s with him. I’m trying to remind myself that I do get to make my own schedule, so I can kick it into high gear when she’s gone and take some extra time off when she’s here. Of course, that all depends on clients. I’m trying to remind myself that having “me time” is not a bad thing.

But still, it sucks.

These are the moments when I wish things could have been different. I don’t regret my marriage – without it, I wouldn’t have my daughter. I don’t regret my divorce – without it, I’d still be miserable 24/7. I don’t miss my ex-husband. I don’t miss our relationship. But I miss not having to discuss visitations. I miss knowing that my daughter would spend every holiday with me. I miss not having to plan my summertime with her around when she will and won’t be home with me.

This sucks.

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4 responses to this post.

  1. aww mama, its going to be ok ((hugs))
    its soooo hard to let them go…
    im not looking forward to setting up access and visitations with my ex … at all.. but sadly it needs to be done.. my son deserves it.. in the mean time, i guess i will take up a hobby while he is gone to daddys 😦

    Reply

    • ::Hugs:: back to you! I know it will be okay. I can handle 3 months of this (even if I won’t like it)!

      The hobby thing is a great idea! I used to make jewelry, so I might start up with that again — something to occupy my time!

      Reply

  2. I’m sorry for your struggle but I’m rejoicing with you in the daughter you have that you obviously are devoted to.

    Found you through Blogathon 2011.

    Reply

    • Thank you so much, Kate! I received the email notification on my phone this afternoon and your comment made me smile 🙂

      Reply

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