I’m sorry I’m fat

I’ve been very cognizant lately of just how often I apologize for being fat, if not directly, at least passively.

Last May, I shared a post titled, “I am not my fat.” In that post I described what goes through my mind on a daily basis regarding my fat. I wrote about how my fat does not define who I am even though it is my greatest insecurity. It was an extremely difficult post for me to write and even more difficult for me to share. I actually took a nap after I published it because I was *that* emotionally drained.

I have many days when I believe everything I wrote in that post. I have days when I feel good about myself. I have days when I think, “I’m a good mom, a good friend, a good girlfriend and a good writer. I work hard and have made huge steps in accomplishing my dreams. I’m proud of myself.”

And then I have days when I think that none of that matters because I’m still fat. And I have to let people know that I know I’m fat. I have to make cracks about being fat because it’s better that I say them out loud before someone else has a chance to. I *need* to let people know that I am trying to lose weight before they start telling me that I should try to lose weight. (Perhaps, subconsciously, that’s part of my motivation for these blog updates.)

It’s usually subtle. I’ll make references to having to “squeeze my fat ass” into or through some kind of space. Or with the recent Community Network Meme when it asked about my favorite pair of underwear, I had to quip about how nobody wants a visual of my underwear. You know, cause I’m fat and that would be gross.

Fat jokes run rampant everywhere. Watch a few minutes of TV or read through a few Facebook statuses or some online cartoons or just listen to people talk about “that fat ass”. It’s okay. It’s acceptable. Who cares, right? They’re just fat people.

I’m sorry to say that being fat does not mean having a thick skin.

Sometimes I feel like I should wear a sign everywhere I go. It would read, “Yes, I know I am fat. Yes, I know I need to lose weight. I’m sorry if it grosses you out to look at me. But I am a person and I have feelings.”

I’m sure there’s a connection to my social anxiety here. I’m sure if I weren’t fat, I’d find something else to obsess about . . . something else to make me constantly wonder what other people are thinking about me.

This is a “me” issue. I’m well aware of that. I’m not quite sure how to “fix” it, but I am trying.

***There is only so much I can talk about what I’ve eaten and how much I’ve exercised over the course of a week without it becoming redundant and boring. But I have committed to sharing something about this journey every week. Some weeks it might be an update about my progress. Some weeks, like this week, it will be an expression of how I feel about weight and weight loss – the good, the bad and the ugly.***

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15 responses to this post.

  1. It’s never easy to start losing weight; it was very difficult for me to take the first couple steps. I’m happy that I had a friend that was in tip-top shape. He introduced me to martial arts about six years ago and I’ve never looked back.I Hope you had a great new year’s day and I look forward to reading more:))

    jonwatersauthor.wordpress.com

    Reply

    • Thank you so much for reading and commenting, Jon!

      Hearing from people who have had success helps keep me motivated. I briefly checked out your blog and look forward to reading more when later (when it’s not so close to bed time!).

      🙂

      Reply

  2. I can relate, Dayle. While I’ve had issues with my weight, your post made me think more about my teeth. I have braces now, but my teeth were horrible, and I was always self-conscious about them, making jokes about them, for some of the same reasons you listed. I hated having my picture taken, even turned down some blind dates because of them. But then there were days when I didn’t even think about my teeth at all. 🙂

    Good luck on your journey Dayle! And thank you always being so open and honest!

    Reply

    • Thank you, Paula!

      It’s ridiculous how much we let our insecurities rule our lives. I’m trying not to do that so much, but it’s not easy . . . as I am sure you understand. And while there are people who will make rude comments and have things to say, I’ve noticed that most people just don’t notice/care and that most of it is in our heads . . . not that that makes it any easier!

      Reply

  3. As a fellow writer my comment is not about fat, but it is about that excellent and eye catching title on this post! I had absolutely no choice about clicking or not clicking! Good luck on that other issue. ❤

    Reply

  4. Posted by Anne Katherine on January 4, 2012 at 11:15 pm

    Okay, that underwear joke I took as, well, applying to anyone, as in EWWWWWW! 🙂
    Your post holds a lot of truth, as Paula points out in her comment, about how most of us respond to our insecurities. It reminds me of how very gentle we need to be with everyone…we all, no matter how we come across, are just sensitive souls trying to get past those things that haunt us.
    HUGS to you….your honesty is very inspirational!

    Reply

    • Thank you, Anne!

      There was a fabulous post I read about a year ago about how we should all wear signs telling people about what is going on in our lives. It was about not judging people because you never know what’s going on . . . like if someone’s kind of bitchy, maybe they just lost a loved one, etc. It’s not quite the same thing, but it’s similar and definitely goes with “we all, no matter how we come across, are just sensitive souls trying to get past those things that haunt us.”

      Reply

  5. Dayle, you are one of the most courageous people I know. You are never afraid to be honest and open with your readers, and as a writer, I know how difficult that can be. I think there is a lot of wisdom in “I’m sure there’s a connection to my social anxiety here. I’m sure if I weren’t fat, I’d find something else to obsess about . . . something else to make me constantly wonder what other people are thinking about me.” I am currently wearing a smaller size than I have my whole life, yet I still have a LOT of insecurity. I may feel thin one day, but focus on my unclear skin the next, or that flub I just can’t shake, or whatever else I see in the mirror that I just don’t like. I look at women in magazines and television and get angry at the message our world is giving to young (and not-so-young!) people. Even in my profession, the patients who expect plastic surgery to fix all their problems ALWAYS walk away unfulfilled. There is always, “Well I lost this much weight, but my breasts are small, or one is bigger than the other, or I still have this fat over here, and then there’s this dimple over there, blah blah blah.” And there are patients who have the surgery and then have complications, and still end up wanting to tear out their hair. We are overwhelmed with a quest for perfection and that will simply NEVER happen. You could walk up to a supermodel and marvel at her beauty, but hold her magazine cover next to her and even the real “her” would pale in comparison. You have always been focused on being healthy and that is the best goal to have. You are correct, you are NOT your fat, you are an inspiration. A wonderful mother, girlfriend, friend, writer, hard-worker, and the list goes on! *HUGS*

    Reply

    • Thank you so much, Jen!

      “You could walk up to a supermodel and marvel at her beauty, but hold her magazine cover next to her and even the real “her” would pale in comparison.”

      That is soooo true!

      I am working so hard to make sure that my daughter continues to have a positive self-image regardless of all the messages being sent out from the media. I have no doubt in my mind that at least part of my current struggles with weight loss are due to the crash diets I put myself through when I wasn’t fat, but thought I was. :/

      Reply

  6. I’ve read this post a few times now and every time it makes me want to cry, both for you and for me. I have battled weight my entire life (and that’s a long time!) and have lived with all the insecurity you describe. I don’t like going out in public, or anywhere for that matter. In spite of, or maybe because of, the fact that I am bigger than everyone around me, I somehow feel like less. I try and fail, or try, succeed for awhile and fail again. But I will never stop trying, because it’s up to me and no one else. You have given me renewed incentive to keep pushing ahead. I wish you all the best in this and all areas of your life.

    Reply

    • Thank you so much for reading and commenting, Dianne.

      “I try and fail, or try, succeed for awhile and fail again. But I will never stop trying, because it’s up to me and no one else.”

      I LOVE this! And it’s so true. The battle will not be lost until we give up fighting and it sounds like you intend to keep fighting (and I do as well)! We’ll get there!

      All the best to you as well! ::Hugs::

      Reply

  7. Oh, how much your words sound familiar to me….I, too, make fun of my weight before others can. I make comments all the time about my own weight…
    I even laughed about the fact that I broke a chair recently….yes…every big girl’s nightmare…..I broke a kitchen chair at my in law’s house on Christmas Day….as I was getting up, it broke and fell…EVERYONE came running in there asking if I was okay and I just wanted everyone to leave me alone. All I could do was fake smile and laugh at myself and tell everyone that I was fine when inside I was humiliated. As much as people want to tell me the chair had been loose for awhile and no one said out loud it had anything to do with my weight, I feel it did. I felt horrible for breaking someone’s chair and I felt like I was the brunt of jokes behind my back about how I was so fat, I broke a chair….Maybe none of that really happened, but to me, I feel it did. Come on….even I have been guilty of teasing friends and family who have broken a chair…people that were skinny and obviously didn’t weigh enough to have made a difference in the breaking of a chair…so how do people feel when someone BIG actually breaks one? I have heard those Yo Mama jokes…..now I feel like I am a part of them…it’s humiliating and it hurts….and you’re right, just because I have extra skin doesn’t mean it’s thick…it’s just as thin skin as a skinny person……:(

    Reply

    • I broke a chair once. I was about three months pregnant and of course everyone was quick to see if I was okay, but like you, I just wanted to be left alone.

      I admit to telling fat jokes when I was younger. Of course, I never meant anything by them. I never thought less of someone for being heavier, but my friends told them, so I told them to. It’s amazing how experiences can give you a whole new perspective. When I watch TV now, every fat joke just seems to scream at me. And then when they start making fun of the “fat chick” – you know, the one who probably weighs about 160 lbs – I get angry.

      And this war on obesity just seems to add to it . . . make it more okay to make fun of someone’s weight.

      ::Sigh:: i could keep going . . as I’m sure you could as well!

      Reply

  8. […] of television without hearing a fat joke. And just forget about social media. I wrote about how I apologize for being fat all the time because I need to get it out there first. I need people to know that I know I’m […]

    Reply

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