Some melodramatic ramblings

Head is swimming again. Can’t sleep.  Knots in my stomach. Words replay over and over. Escape into the vibrations. Turn it up. Close my eyes. Suppress that urge to run away. It’s easier not to be brave. Write the feelings away.  Turn it numb again. Want to cry but there’s nothing left. Want to roll myself up, be told it’s all going to be okay. Want to have what I never did. Hate myself for that. Hate that I can’t be perfect. I’m not pretending I am what I’ll never be. But I don’t know who I am, afraid to see. Spinning. Falling. Crashing. Burning.

Turn it up.  Close my eyes.  I’ve willed, I’ve walked, I’ve read, I’ve talked, I know, I know, I’ve been here before. On the edge of collapse. Screaming inside my own head. Screaming. Screaming. Why can’t they hear me?

I ache to remember all the violent, sweet, perfect words that you said. Wish we were still there. The sweet angel still lingers inside of me.

Turn it up. Close my eyes.  Suppress that urge to run away. Always knew something wasn’t quite right . . . always knew there was something wrong with me. Not normal to feel the things I felt. Not normal to fear the things I feared. Not right to be me. Or am I origami, folded up and just pretend. Listened to them laugh, watched them mock, wished to disappear. Was never the special one . . . always forgotten.

The dysfunction, the failure, the fear. Always so alive inside me.

Keep trying to explain. Explain away the twists and turns and knots and complete fucking chaos that’s always inside of me. I’m not half what I wish I was.

Haven’t had many to put my trust in . . . always broken, always left hurting. Learned to build walls. Kept them well protected.  But I failed . . . and I’m scared . . . terrified. Old feelings make it hard to decide just what it means to me . . . . I lost half my life to wisdom.

How did I get here? In 32 years, how did I get here? What would she think if she were here today?  Would I still be able to crawl up next to her with my head in her lap? Could she have taught me to be strong if she hadn’t faded away so early? How different would I be if I had had that safety for the past 16 years? What have we found? Same old fear, wish you were here.

Please don’t tell me everything is wonderful now. I just can’t make sense of it. I’m tired of trying. I give up.

Turn it up. Close my eyes. Suppress that urge to run away. Suppress it all. Can’t fall apart. Won’t fall apart. Not allowed to fall apart.

Excuse me, but can I be you for a while?

~~~~~~~~~

Songs Sampled:

It’s easier not to be brave. ~I Alone by Live

I’m not pretending I am what I’ll never be. ~Nobody by Eliza Doolittle

I’ve willed, I’ve walked, I’ve read, I’ve talked, I know, I know, I’ve been here before. ~Selling the Drama by Live

I ache to remember all the violent, sweet, perfect words that you said. ~Come On Get Higher by Matt Nathanson

Or am I origami, folded up and just pretend. ~Inside Out by Eve 6

I’m not half what I wish I was. ~Pitseleh by Elliott Smith

Old feelings make it hard to decide just what it means to me . . . . I lost half my life to wisdom. ~Question Everything by 8 Stops 7

What have we found? Same old fear, wish you were here. ~Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd

Please don’t tell me everything is wonderful now. ~Wonderful by Everclear

Excuse me, but can I be you for a while? ~Silent All These Years by Tori Amos

Photo Credit

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12 responses to this post.

  1. So poetic, so real, so beautiful. “I lost half my life to wisdom.” That line gave me chills. Although this made me sad, I still felt tiny whispers of hope.

    Reply

  2. “I lost half my life to wisdom” was my favorite line too. I think the beauty of this–poetic, raw, transparent, heart-rending–provides what Jen called the “tiny whispers of hope.” Wish I could give you a hug!!! “Excuse me but can I be you for awhile, the dog won’t bite if you sit real still, I’ve got the anti-Christ in the kitchen yelling at me again, yeah I can hear that. I’m saved again by the garbage truck, I got something to say, you know, but nothing comes. So here’s what you think of me, you never shut up, yeah I can hear that, but what if I’m a mermaid. . . ” That’s how I remember the song anyway–those may not be the right lyrics. Tori Amos was fodder for my feminist essays in college. Her music still haunts me. There are whispers of hope in all of her pain too. Praying peace finds you!

    Reply

    • Thank you, Ginny!

      In my response to Jen, I linked to the YouTube video for Question Everything – it’s full of awesome lyrics!

      Hugs are great – I’ll take virtual ones too!

      I love Tori! She’s always great to help get inspiration rolling . . . . “Her music still haunts me.” – That pretty much sums it up!

      Reply

  3. Posted by Shawna on April 20, 2012 at 1:34 pm

    This is strong writing, Dayle! Your words are so easy to identify with. I’m sure you felt at least a little bit better after writing.

    Loved these:
    “Escape into the vibrations.”
    “Or am I origami”
    “I lost half my life to wisdom.”

    iamthat-shawna.blogspot.com

    Reply

  4. […] night I wrote Some melodramatic ramblings . . . or rather, re-wrote some melodramatic ramblings while listening to some music. The purpose […]

    Reply

  5. Wow, this is a Goodblogs semi-reunion here on your blog!!
    I love your ramblings and can relate to so many of the thoughts here.
    I loved : “I’m not half what I wish I was” and the wisdom one is so true, as well.
    “Not allowed to fall apart” — boy do I know that feeling. Hang in there, Dayle, please please please!

    Reply

    • Hehe, I didn’t realize everyone who commented was from GoodBlogs! I love that we’ve all stayed connected!

      Pitseleh (the song I took “I’m not half what I wish I was” from), is one of my favorite Elliott Smith songs (which is saying a lot because I love all Elliott Smith songs — his lyrics are always amazing!).

      Reply

  6. Music expresses what words sometimes fail to express. ~Hugs~

    Reply

    • Thank you for the hugs!

      I used to put my headphones on and just lie down listening to deafening music . . . it was a wonderful release . . . maybe I should try it again 🙂

      Reply

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