Writing through pain

There have been things over the past few days that I’ve wanted to write about, but I’m afraid to put the words into print. They’re things I can’t share. They’d be kept safely within the pages of my journal – the way it used to be years ago. And still, I can’t bring myself to write the words.

The printed word has always made things more tangible – which can be painful, but also therapeutic. Sometimes I’m just not ready to deal with the things that need to be dealt with.

I’m angry. Thoughts seep in and out of my head and that pit in my stomach grows heavy. I feel sick. I feel violent. But I push it all down as deep as it will go because I’m not yet ready to release it.

Sometimes I don’t want to be the bigger person. Sometimes I wish I could say all of those words that dance on the tip of my tongue. I wish I could tell certain people exactly what I’m thinking and not worry about the consequences.

But I do worry about the consequences and my desires – even those that are justified – must take a backseat to what is best for others.

Vengeful thoughts make it difficult to fall asleep. It’s in the midst of that insomnia when my mind goes to the darkest of places.

I long for a day when this is all behind me and yet I try not to wish away the years.

There is hatred inside of me and not for the reasons one might expect. Still, I hate that I hate. It’s not who I am. It’s not who I want to be. But I can’t let it go – I’m not ready to let it go.

One day, I’ll fill those pages with those tangible words that no one else will ever read. I’ll spill my soul onto paper. I’ll cry. Then I’ll take a shower and get into my cozy pajamas and sleep from the exhaustion of the catharsis. And I’ll wake feeling lighter and more at peace.

But not yet. For now, I still cling to my anger and hatred. I’m not yet ready to let them go.

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10 responses to this post.

  1. I needed this. I’m trying to ignore my pain by logically explaining why it shouldn’t be there. I know it will help to write though it. I just can’t do it yet. This helped me.

    Reply

    • Thank you for reading and I’m so happy it helped. I still haven’t written about what was actually upsetting me (is still upsetting me), but just writing about writing it helped a lot!

      I’ve tried to logically explain away my pain so many times – it never works. Emotions are not always (often) logical.

      ::Hugs:: to you!

      Reply

  2. Posted by Anita on May 15, 2012 at 9:16 pm

    Oh, girl! What you are feeling is sooooo normal! Don’t you know by now you are not alone? Sometimes, we must allow ourselves to walk in the anger, and we have to accept that that is how we feel. No punishment is allowed! It is what we feel, and it is real, so we have to allow our inner selves to experience it and move through it. When the tears come to provide the cleansing, we can receive it fully because we have felt the anger, fear, or whatever knocked us off balance. Just by writing this post, you have begun. The situation may or may not change soon, but you’ve accepted your true feelings, and that only shows how strong you are. Be patient with yourself, and while you’re doing that, allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel. The rest will come in time.

    Reply

    • I know hun, and thank you!

      I’ve been able to work through a lot of this, but it’s not going away and it won’t for a while . . . I accept that and like you said – I’m feeling what I feel and work through the rest of it when I’m ready 🙂

      Reply

  3. Here are my ideas for working through this issue: write poetry instead, write your story but use other people as characters instead of yourself, and write in metaphor instead of literally telling the story. I also suggest that when you do not have the words, share artwork that represents your moods and feelings. I love finding pictures on weheartit.com and posting them on my blog; you’ll find that you connect with the pictures in ways you might not with people or words. When the pain goes deep, you don’t want or necessarily need people climbing into the womb. But music and art are healing balms that know exactly how you feel.

    Reply

    • Thanks, Shawna 🙂

      I actually attempted poetry – I like the whole “write what I need to say but do it in a way that’s vague and only I really understand” thing, but the words didn’t come out right . . . till yesterday . . . it was short and sweet and simply stated, but it did the trick 🙂

      I like the story idea. I might try that . . . . and I completely agree with music and art!

      Reply

  4. And by “womb” I actually mean “wound.” You certainly don’t want anyone climbing into your womb!!! But this faux pas brings to mind another suggestion: laugh your ass off as often as possible. 🙂

    Reply

  5. I’m laughing at Shawna’s womb mistake 🙂
    And I hope things are getting better. And you know you are not alone. I can so relate to being SO tired of having to be the bigger person, while everyone else gets to go ahead and fly off the handle and not be held really accountable. Being the bigger person a lot of time stinks in the moment and for a while, but in the long run, it is better. Just hang in there!

    Reply

    • The womb mistake was awesome 🙂

      I *know* in the long run it’s better . . . still sucks now! (as I know you know!)

      “Despicable” helped me say what I needed to say without actually saying it though!

      Reply

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