The road to a better me

The road to a better me

I’m not okay. I haven’t been okay for a long time. I’ve written about it here and there. Sometimes openly. Sometimes with vague melodramatic poetry. I don’t like feeling the way that I do. I don’t like being the way that I am. It’s not something I can “snap out of.” It’s not something I can “just get over.” Mental illness is not a choice.

I don’t want to need therapy or medication. I don’t want to need to be fixed. But I have come to a point where I need to unequivocally admit, to myself way more than to others, that I am broken . . . and that I cannot put myself back together on my own.

The jokes rooted in self-defense only go so far. My go-to forms of self-medication only work for so long. I’m tired of the self-loathing after doing what I need to do just to get by. I know my coping mechanisms are sometimes far from healthy, but sometimes they’re all I have to keep me moving forward.

I sat across from a social worker today and discussed all of the things that led me there. She asked me if I knew why I self-injured. I said, “Because it’s a release. It makes me feel better.” She added, “And because you don’t have any other release.” The simplistic accuracy of that statement is kind of overwhelming.

I cried as told her that I just want to function better . . . that I don’t think it should be this hard just to live . . . to just get up every day. It wasn’t easy, but it was the first step in a positive direction . . . and I have an appointment with the doctor on Monday.

After 25 years of off-and-on therapy I’ve learned that I’m not very good at it. In fact, I pretty much suck at being a mental health patient. I’ll be a puddle of crazy before walking through the door and once I get in front of someone, I’m fine. I have this fear of being seen as too crazy. And then when I leave I panic because I didn’t allow myself to been seen as crazy enough. It’s like I need to find this perfect balance of demonstrable crazy – enough to get me the help I need, but not enough to get me locked in a padded room.

I’m making an effort this time to just be honest . . . completely, forcibly honest. And for the first time in a long time, I really feel like things can get better . . . that I can get better.

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11 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Karen on June 4, 2013 at 8:54 pm

    ❤ great piece and I understand.

    Reply

  2. Take the time you need to mend yourself and know that you are loved. 🙂

    Reply

  3. Posted by manon1979 on June 5, 2013 at 2:22 am

    You are one of the strongest, sweetest, and self sacrificing people I know. You deserve to feel good about yourself and owe it to yourself to give this therapy an honest try. You are not “Crazy” enough to be locked up and have nothing to worry about. For once you need to go against your ingrained programming and think about yourself. I have faith in you, and as always if you ever need anything don’t be afraid to ask me I’m always there for yous.

    Reply

  4. Sorry I am just now getting to read this….I have been so busy since starting training. 😦
    I can understand where you’re coming from. Do what you need to do to feel better!
    I’m always willing to listen if you need it! ~Hugs~

    Reply

  5. It’s okay to need help sometimes, Dayle. We’re human beings. We’re not meant to carry our burdens alone. I wish you the best, because you do deserve it! 🙂

    Reply

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