Some things you should know about bisexuals

Some sort of flag

1. Some bisexuals are polyamorous. Some bisexuals are monogamous. Some bisexuals aren’t in relationships at all.

Feel free to replace “bisexuals” with “heterosexuals” or “homosexuals” . . . or hell, how about “people.”

2. Bisexuality is no more a choice than heterosexuality or homosexuality is a choice.

I find both men and women attractive. It just is what it is. I didn’t wake up one day and say, “oooh, I’m gonna like girls and boys!” Though I did spend years trying to deny it. I didn’t want to like boys and girls. I thought I was supposed to think the idea of kissing a girl . . . or cuddling with a girl . . . or {gasp} having sex with a girl was gross. Happiness came when I accepted that I really didn’t.

3. Bisexuals in relationships with the opposite sex are still bisexual. Bisexuals in relationships with the same sex are still bisexual.

When I was about 13 or 14, my mom made a comment about a guy on TV being cute. I said, “Hey! You’re married!” She said, “So? I don’t want to date him. I just think he’s cute. I’m allowed to think he’s cute.” And ya know, it really is that simple. Even within a monogamous relationship, people still find other people attractive . . . and for bisexuals, “other people” just extends to male and female.

4. Lack of experience does not mean someone isn’t bisexual.

I used to despise, DESPISE the term “bi-curious.” When I came to that point of acceptance I mentioned in #2, I was in a monogamous relationship with a man. I wasn’t “open” about being bisexual, so the only place I could really discuss it with anyone was online. On more occasions than I can count, I was told that I must be bi-curious because how can I really know I’m bisexual if I’ve never been with a woman. I’d respond by asking when that person lost his/her virginity and then follow up with, “So you were straight-curious before that?”

It’s true that there are people who are just not sure . . . people who are still trying to figure themselves out . . . or trying to learn how to accept themselves. And in those cases, “bi-curious” may be accurate (though, personally, I prefer “questioning”), but don’t assume someone doesn’t understand him/herself just because of a lack of experience.

5. Bisexuality is not a step to being gay.

Yes, there are some people who will identify as bisexual and later identify as homosexual. That’s okay. Sometimes the journey to understanding and accepting ourselves takes us through different labels until we find the one(s) with which we feel the most comfortable. But it is wrong to assume someone who says he/she is bisexual is “bi now, gay later.” Bisexuality is real. It exists. And just like some people identify as straight and later admit to themselves and to others that they’re gay, some people will identify as bisexual and come out as gay later. That does not discount those of us who are and will always be bisexual.

6. Some bisexuals have preferences. Some don’t.

Some bisexuals will lean more in one direction than the other. And sometimes that changes over time. Some people are generally more attracted to blondes. That doesn’t mean they’re never attracted to brunettes or redheads. It’s kind of the same thing. Some bisexuals don’t lean in either direction. We’re all unique creatures . . . we don’t all fit in the same boxes.

When I first accepted myself as bisexual, my attraction leaned mostly toward men. Over the last 12-13 years, I’ve moved to pretty much dead center. I’ve still mostly dated men . . . partly because I haven’t dated much at all and partly because it’s always been easier for me to talk to men . . . which is pretty much because I have social anxiety and as much as I fear rejection, I always feared it more from women. I think things would have been different had I accepted myself as bisexual at a younger age. But it is what it is and just like with #4, my past experiences don’t dictate where I fall on that spectrum.

7. Bisexuals are not inherently promiscuous.

Some bisexuals are promiscuous. Some are not. This is another case of “feel free to substitute ‘heterosexuals’ or ‘homosexuals’ or ‘people.’” Sexual orientation is not an indication of sexual proclivities.

This list is certainly not exhaustive, and I am sure I will come up with more after I publish this post. In the meantime, what would you add to the list?

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